Disappointed but not discouraged.

The difference between setbacks and roadblocks.

A friend didn’t get a job they really wanted. I asked how they were feeling and they replied: “Disappointed. But not discouraged.”

And in that simple exchange, I saw my friend at a sturdy place that makes me believe 100% in his eventual success. Because, as the business coach Jon Sinclair reminds us, failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.

When I think back to my own life, especially the last five years, I’ve had lots of experience with setbacks. Most times, I looked for the lesson and kept moving forward. Yet sometimes my pity party raged on long beyond its allotted 5 minutes. And that wasn’t a second failure, but a testing of my emergency broadcast system.

Telling the difference

The key, as I see it now, is this: to be so deeply attuned to yourself that you know the difference between a temporary emotional response to unmet expectations (disappointment), and a deeper, long-term loss of hope or confidence (discouragement).

And when discouragement arises? Don’t silence it. The worst thing you can do in times like this is to try to actively regroup and re-energize. It’s gaslighting to think that you can pep rally yourself out of a dark night of the soul.

If you’re not sure where you — or a friend — are on the disappointment/discouragement spectrum, here are some tells:

• Disappointment says “that didn’t go how I hoped.” Discouragement says “I’m not sure it’s worth trying anymore.”

• Listen for phrases in your self-talk that erode belief: “I guess this is just how it is” or “I don’t have it in me anymore.”

• See where you’re taking a specific setback and giving it global meaning.

• Fear of being “back to square one” — instead of seeing that when we face ourselves we start again at square two.

And if you find yourself truly discouraged, don’t be discouraged by your discouragement. It’s information. Your soul is talking to you. This is sit-on-the-mat time. Clear your (emotional) calendar, see your therapist, let your inner child take the mic.

We are so conditioned to race back to okayness that we miss the memo. Pain always precedes progress. And sometimes pain signals that we need deeper reinforcements which, thankfully, are gaining recognition and losing stigma.

My friend is still searching for a job. I’m still rebuilding after divorce. Whatever disappointments you’re facing, I wish you luck. And whatever discouragement may arise, I wish you the courage to turn towards it and greet it by name.

Until next time, remember that creativity knows no bounds.